It is well with my soul!

Last night I went to a Christmas "Bereavement" group dinner at Harvest Christian fellowship with a friend. They had a lovely dinner and the pastor that spoke was really good. The best part was a singing group (lead singer was Hilary Watson). They were awesome! They ended the night with a story of Horatio Spafford, who after losing everything he owned in Chicago during the big Chicago fire decided to move to England. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead of him. He soon got news that there had been an accident at sea and his 4 daughtes had all drowned. He caught a boat to go to London to be with his grieving wife. When he came to the approximate place in the ocean where his daughters had drowned, he penned this song, which over 100 years later is still a favorite hymn. What awesome faith he had to say "It is well with my soul", amidst such heartbreak. Lord, give me this faith also!

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Amen!

Fighting Depression

I was reading a mailer from Kaiser's Grief Support that talked about common problems at certain times in the grief process. It seems I am right on schedule. About 2 days before the 6 month mark of Bob's death I started feeling very depressed. At first I thought I was getting sick because I felt so exhausted. But the lethargy continued and for weeks I could hardly get out of bed. It was all I could do to go to work each day. My thoughts were foggy, and I had a hard time concentrating. I cried at the drop of a hat. I didn't feel like eating (very strange for me). Then I read the newsletter that said depression seems to hit around the 6 month mark and can last up to 6 months. At least I know I'm "normal", which is comforting in a weird way! My middle son also complained to me that he was feeling the say way. I shared that this was normal. While it is "normal", it is still very distressing. I am not prone to depression. I generally am very energetic and motivated to get things done. So as the dishes, laundry and duties piled up, I became distressed. I cried out to God in prayer... "Please lift these feelings"! I read my bible every day. I forced myself to do things around the house. That was 6 weeks ago, and I am feeling slow bits of recovery. I have started cleaning again and unfortunately, my appetite is coming back. I'm not crying as often! On Bob's birthday (last sunday) I actually felt periods of joy remembering some wonderful birthdays we had shared together. I think God allowed me to go through this so that I can relate to others when they express depressed feelings. It's all part of the process. I, for one, am ready to get on with this process of grief and have a normal life again. The problem is that it will never be "normal" again, and part of grief is adjusting to that idea. Oh well, I'm rambling. Just needed to do a little venting. I pray for others who are going through this difficult and taxing process. God is there for us, cry out to Him!

Pursuing God's leading in my life.

God has been impressing on my mind for several months that our church needs a support system for hurting and grieving people. I am currently taking a course to become a certified grief counselor and am looking into other training/programs that are already established. God has lead me to "New Hope" in Long Beach. Our pastor grew up in Long Beach and knows the woman who started this ministry, which has now become nationwide. I have also been investigating "Stephens Ministry", which is a broader program, which trains church members how to come along side anothr person for one-on-one ministry. I am praying for the right direction from God, and would appreciate any prayers for this potential ministry.

Being single

Last night was the first meeting of my new Barnabas group. These are fellowship groups from my church that meet once a month. I am in a large group this time, 18 people. Most are couples, with the exception of 3 of us single women. One of the wives that doesn't know me asked which of the guys I belonged to. I replied, "Oh, none of them. I'm here by myself". It was hard to say. I thought most of the people in the church new about Bob, but I guess not. I know she didn't mean anything by it. If she had known my husband just died 4 1/2 months ago, she would have been mortified, but she didn't. It was surreal being their without a partner. I have spent my whole adult life being someone's wife, and now I am single. I sat next to a good friend of mine who is single because of a divorce. We were each other's support. I now understand why every time one of our groups has single women, they don't come very often. It's hard to live in a married world, when you're not. Even though I had a good time I came home and cried for an hour. I guess this adjustment is going to take a long time. I wish it would get better!

A poem for Bob

I do the things we used to share
But I always lament that you're not there
My days are filled with endless chores
All that were mine and all that were yours

No longer do I cook your favorite meal
For with you gone, it's no big deal
There is no one to cheer my success
 Or help me to clean up the mess

When the pain of sadness brings
Memories of long forgotten things
The memories I cherish the very most
Was when we were so very close

Forgive me that I must shed some tears
For the loss of you after all these years
The Lord is my constant companion now
Before his throne I often bow

I eat, I sleep, I work, I cry
and surprisingly the days go by
But they will never again be the same
This sorrow I must learn to tame

Oh Lord, be with me through this grief
I only ask for some relief
Hold me ever in your hands
And help me understand your plans!

Missing Bob

The last week has been particularly difficult. I have cried as much this week, if not more, than when Bob first died. I'm not sure the exact cause of it, except I think the shock of it all is wearing off, and the reality of it is hitting me. I can't tell you how many times a day I have a thought like; "Oh, I have to tell Bob about this, he'll love it", or "I have to get home, Bob is waiting for me". Then the reality hits, there is no one to go home to (except my dog, Gabby), there is no one to tell. Still, I have so much in my life. First and foremost; my Savior, Jesus Christ. I wouldn't have have made it through this without Him by my side. Secondly, my kids, who are so supportive and loving. Third, friends (that I haven't had much time for during the last few years, but am now reconnecting with), lastly; a job I enjoy doing. God has been good to me. When I start to have a pity party I remember what Haiti was like, or what others are going through. Phil. 2:3-8 says "with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves, do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-sevant, and being made in the likeness of men, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross". My prayer is that in spite of this grief, I can focus on loving and helping others and telling them about Christ. I need help in this endeavor. If you read this blog, please pray for me during this difficult time.

Haiti in the rearview mirror

I've been home from Haiti for 4 weeks. It was an experience that changed my life forever. It's almost impossible to see things the way I did before. I have a new "normal". I no longer take for granted being able to drive down to Kaiser and just walk in if I need healthcare. I no longer take for granted opening a refrigerator with food in it, or turning on a faucet with running water (not to mention hot water in the shower). These are simple things that people in Haiti do not have. They are thankful to have a meal of rice and beans each day. They are thankful if Samaritan's Purse or another christian organization has a health clinic running that they can take a sick child to. They are so thankful for what Jesus did on the cross for them, and they sing for 4 hours in their church services to worship Him. My physcial wealth has often lead to my spiritual poverty. It is something I will be on the guard against the rest of my days. Nothing else in this life compares to knowing Christ or experiencing His grace and mercy in my life. Thank you Father for the sacrifice of your Son for me!